


The Spirit's Wings

by Twinklefae



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Dissociation, Gen, Grief/Mourning, May not be popular, Mental Health Issues, Mentions Mon-El, NOT Karamel, NOT Supercorp, Panic Attacks, Post-Season/Series 02, Sisters, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-06 15:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11603349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twinklefae/pseuds/Twinklefae
Summary: How do you mourn someone who isn't dead?Post Season Two, Kara is not coping.  Alex is worrying.  No one knows what to do.  Kara's feelings may be more of a surprise than you'd think.Not Supercorp OR Karamel





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story in not Mon-El positive OR negative. However, because it got out of hand and I'm posting it in two pieces, it seems very Karamel in the first piece because we don't have a whole lot of Kara's point of view. Hang in there.
> 
> Title is taken from the following quote:
> 
> Love and desire are the spirit's wings to great deeds.  
> Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

First, there were the traditional two weeks. "But Kara, he isn't dead," Alex had tried once. Only once. Then Kara had stopped calling, stopped answering the phone, and stopped talking to anyone she could get away with not talking to. It was true, but for Kara it didn't seem to matter. She went through the rituals of her people, knowing that Daxam had different rituals, but had also worshipped Rao as the sun-god and creator.

Alex was patient for the two weeks. She understood that Kara's religion was important to her, however little sense it made to Alex as a scientist. And she remembered what Kara had been like after Astra. Once the two weeks were up though, her worry skyrocketed. Kara didn't get better, she didn't let go of her mourning period.

How do you mourn someone who isn't dead? It was very clear to Alex that something wasn't right, that something wasn't letting Kara move on. And there wasn't anything she could do. All this worry wasn't news to Maggie, who was pretty sure that Alex was always worried about something, but this time even Maggie had to admit that Alex had something to worry about. Alex was on the phone with her mother, Eliza, discussing the object of all the worry, Kara.

"Mom, I don't know what to tell you. She won't talk to me. She isn't really talking to anybody."

Maggie nodded as she washed the dishes. It had been a month since the battle with the Daxamites, and a month since Kara had been put in the impossible position of having to choose her adopted planet or her boyfriend. After having Alex come home, rejected from Kara's every night for the past week, she wasn't really sure what Eliza expected Alex to do. Yesterday Alex had sat in the hallway and told Kara she wasn't leaving until they talked about it. Supergirl had appeared and wordlessly picked Alex up, flown her home, and left her on the balcony.

"No, I really don't think that you coming down here is going to do anything other than make her mad at me."

Maggie shuddered. For all the Eliza was a good person who truly loved her daughters, she was a bit... intimidating sometimes. And the thought of Eliza and Kara going head to head to see who could be the most stubborn? Well, that was a terrifying thought.

"All right Mom, I'll keep you in the loop. Well, I'll tell her to pick up, for all the good that will do."

Alex hung up and collapsed on the couch with a sigh. Maggie pulled the plug out of the sink and after drying her hands, came to sit next to Alex. "Hey babe," she said, taking Alex's hand.

"I just don't know what to do Maggie. I haven't seen her like this since she arrived. And she was still young enough then that if we let her, she'd talk. Now... she just keeps telling me to come home to you."

Making understanding noises, Maggie nodded. She'd heard all this before, but Alex needed to get it out. There was no one who got to Alex like Kara.

"I mean, she goes to work, where James says she hardly says an unnecessary word to anyone. She does Supergirl stuff, but only the big stuff, and she doesn't really talk to anybody there either. And other than that she stays home or flies around. She's a shell of herself. From everything I've been able to get from everyone she's just going through the motions. And I know that she's upset, but I'm terrified about what this is doing to her."

Frowning, Maggie asked, "What do you mean?" This was a new part of the rant.

"Just, how much loss can one person take before it breaks them? What if she doesn't recover from this? She's been through so much, she lost her whole planet, her whole culture. And as much as she misses them, and she just doesn't understand Earth sometimes to this day, she's always tried to stay upbeat. I mean, she'd only been here a year or so when Dad left, and then he died. And Clark is never around when she needs him. And I hid things from her for years while telling her to not be herself..." Alex was starting to hyperventilate, so Maggie grabbed her hands.

"Hey, hey, hey. Deep breath. I get it. You are worried. From the sounds of things, you are right to be worried. But you aren't going to make anything better for Kara by having a panic attack yourself. So let's sit here and breath for a minute. Okay?"

Alex tucked herself into Maggie's side, trying to match her breathing to Maggie's and enjoying the feeling of being loved.

"So, she won't let you in, because she wants you to be with me. I know that the original plan was for you two to do sister time so that she didn't get overwhelmed but she's got no real excuse if we both arrive and kick in the door."

"I think she'll still come up with something, but okay," said Alex, a bit calmer now that there was a new plan in place. "I don't know if it will work, but we've got to do something."

And that was how they found themselves at Kara's door a few hours later. "Kara," said Alex, "I know you can see me. Let me in hon, please?"

No answer.

Alex knocked again. "I miss you. Please open up."

Still no answer. Alex and Maggie exchanged a look. "Okay Danvers, it's time."

"I hate this."

"I hate this too, but if you are that worried about her then I am too, and if she were anyone else I'd be calling the precinct to conduct a welfare check. So pull out the emergency key."

It felt like there should be more to mark the moment where Alex broke a promise to her sister by using the key she'd been given solely for emergencies. But there wasn't. Just a soft click and the door swung open.

There was no one in the living room. Both women split up, Maggie looking through the living room and kitchen while Alex took the bathroom and bedroom. It was possible that Kara was hiding from them, but Maggie knew that Kara's mood could have led her to try and hurt herself. She kept that thought to herself, hoping that it was just too many years of being a cop getting to her.

Alex reemerged a moment later. "Nothing back here."

"Nothing in here either. So I guess she's out."

"Should we stay?" asked Alex.

"I think so, no point in doing this more than once."

Alex sighed. "Right. Well, while we're waiting, I guess..." she gestured to the kitchen. Because while Kara wasn't there, there were lots of signs that Kara wasn't in a mentally healthy space. There were dirty dishes and take out boxes everywhere. There was a foul smell that indicated that the garbage hadn't been taken out in a long time. The bedroom and bathroom were littered with Kara's belongings in an uncharacteristically untidy way.

So Maggie and Alex started with the kitchen. They were just finishing up when they heard the sound of Kara flying in the window. Supergirl stood there and stared at them.

"Alex. Maggie. What are you.... what?" she stuttered.

"Kara, you're back." Alex moved towards her. Maggie grabbed her arm, noticing the wild look in Kara's eyes.

"Everything okay out there Supergirl?" she asked in a light tone of voice, giving Kara the chance to change the subject.

"No," she said, and continued to stare.

Alex looked at Maggie and then back at Kara. "Why don't you go and get changed Kara, and we'll make some popcorn, okay?"

"No, no no no no," said Kara again, this time moving towards her bedroom.

"No what Kara?" asked Alex, concerned.

"No, we can't do this."

"Do what?"

"Hanging out. You hang out with Maggie and that's great, and I'm so happy that you are getting the chance to do all the things that I have kept you from, but we don't get to pretend."

With that, she sped into her bedroom.

Maggie and Alex exchanged a look but Kara was back before they could do anything else, this time dressed in pyjamas. "You should go," she said, moving to the door to show them out.

"Kara, I miss you," said Alex, her voice breaking just a little. She didn't understand what was going on with Kara; they couldn't continue like this.

Kara's face crumbled, but she sniffed, and pushed her glasses back up her nose. "That's why you should go."

Maggie frowned. "Hang on Little Danvers, you've lost me here."

"I really appreciate that you want to come and be here while I'm... sad. Or whatever. But I can't do this again." Kara shut her eyes, and her head drooped.

"Do what Kara? What is going on?"

"I can't be alone again!" she yelled back. "I can't go from having you to losing you again. I can't do it. You should go and be with Maggie and I will see you at the DEO."

Alex took another cautious step towards her sister. "You haven't lost me."

Kara looked up, eyes shiny with tears, and Alex felt like she could see the weight of all the loss her sister had felt in her life in those eyes. "Haven't I?" she said quietly.

Before Alex could say anything else Maggie stepped in again. "Thank you, Kara."

Both Danvers sisters turned to look at her. "Why?" asked Kara in a tone that from anyone else would have been called snippy.

"For being honest. I don't think your sister intended you to feel alone. I know that I didn't. So thank you for telling us that you've been feeling that way. Let's sit down and talk about it, and figure out a way to make it better."

Kara continued to stare at Maggie, who looked back with all the confidence of a trained negotiator. She could feel Alex rubbing her back as a gesture of thanks. Alex loved Kara, had spent years helping Kara through Earth's complicated cultural landscape. But doing that for so long had left her blunt, prone to tackling issues from the front and not giving anyone room to back track. And Maggie loved that about Alex, but Maggie had been hurt, had been fragile in this way. She knew that they had to give Kara some space or else she was going to push them away before they could hurt her too.

"Let's sit and watch a movie. We can talk whenever you feel ready, okay?" Kara nodded slowly, confused. Maggie could see that she still wanted them to leave, and she was grateful that Kara was giving them the chance to fix this. She wasn't really surprised that there was more to this than Mon-El, but she was a little surprised that missing her sister was where Kara started. Kara sat on the couch and covered herself with the soft fleece blanket that was always around.

Maggie knew that Kara didn't feel the cold, she just like soft things.

Maggie put the popcorn in the microwave, and Alex waited until it started to pop before looking at Maggie and mouthing "What are you doing?"

Maggie whispered into Alex's ear. "She didn't throw us out. Let her be the one to start the conversation."

Alex nodded and smiled at her girlfriend. She was grateful that Maggie was good at this kind of thing. She didn't understand what was going on with Kara, she'd didn't know how to deal with Kara if she didn't want help. Always before when Kara had been hurt, or feeling sad, she wanted to be touching people, surrounded by people.

It didn't take long for Maggie and Alex to join Kara on the couch, and Kara turned on a movie without asking either of them what they wanted to see. Alex, sitting in the middle, shot a nervous look at Maggie, especially when Kara ignored the popcorn. Maggie mouthed "Wait."

They sat through half of "The Little Mermaid" before Kara turned down the volume on the TV and started to talk.

"I'm sorry I've been avoiding you," she said, playing with the blanket. Maggie put a hand on Alex's leg and they sat quietly.

"I'm just so... lonely?" She didn't sound too sure of that, but soldiered on. "It's just... I used to be able to count on things. Sister night, game night, Cat at work, Winn and then James... Mon-El was always there. And now he's gone too."

Kara turned and took Alex's hands, tears starting to stream down her cheeks. "That's why I kept telling you to hold onto her. To stay with her. Because... my story is over, and I wish it had been different." That was as much as she could get out before she started to sob. Alex wrapped her arms around her sister, and gently rocked her back and forth.

"It's okay Kara, you're okay."

As Kara shuffled closer to the centre of the couch to lean into Alex, Maggie got up and moved around behind her, and hugged her from the other side. Kara cried and cried. As she began to get her breathing under control again, Alex wiped her face, and Maggie took her hand.

"Kara, I appreciate that you value our relationship," said Maggie. "But you have to understand that we care about you too. And none of us are happy if we don't look after each other. I always knew that you and Alex were close. I mean... you are practically all she talks about. So of course we will be here for you. Added bonus – there are two of us. And we both care about you and want to help you."

Kara sniffed and cuddled back into both women. Alex picked up where Maggie left off. "Kara, I know that this is new for us. I've never had an important relationship outside of us. But that doesn't mean that I should spend all my time with Maggie. We need to work on this balance thing. Sometimes Maggie and I can both spend time with you, and sometimes we can spend the night apart. And sister nights. We need to figure this out."

Kara looked horrified. "No, people in relationships don't do things like sister nights, Alex. You have to focus and put your partner before everyone else."

Alex cocked an eyebrow. "Where did you hear that?"

"... TV. Movies. Oprah. And a website about families. Focus on Family?"

Maggie suppressed a giggle without much success. Alex shot an annoyed look at her. Kara had had a tendency to try and figure out social relationships from media when she was younger, however ridiculous it sounded to most humans. "Kara, I hate to remind you of this, but TV isn't anymore reliable as a reference for relationships than it was when we were teenagers. And Focus on Family? Sounds like a hard core Christian website. Which means their values are not the same as our values. In that the relationships they are talking about wouldn't even include Maggie and I."

Kara sighed. She was a reporter. She knew better than this. She did. "You're right. I just... panicked."

"I know, hon. I know."

"It's just... Daxam was nothing like Krypton. But still, they had heard of it. Some of them had probably been there. And it's so hard to know that none of that can ever be here again."

Alex and Maggie waited. "It's just... it's not like after the Black Mercy, but it's a little like that." Kara began to cry again. "It's... how many times do I have to say goodbye to pieces of it? When does it stop hurting?"

"Oh hon," said Alex, at a loss.

Maggie started to rub circles into the back of Kara's hand. "Kara, you know this better than I do, but it never stops hurting. It gets better, it gets more bearable, and most days you'd never notice it. But it's always there. And if you are like me, you don't really want it to go away entirely because you don't want to forget."

Kara continued to cry, and moved from being slumped into Alex, to putting her arms around Maggie. "And I know that it's extra hard right now, but it will go back to how it was, with the hurt in the background. Let us help get you there okay?"

Kara nodded.

Alex smiled at her girlfriend. "Kara, I know that it's been easier not to deal with this, to keep working and not talk to people. Sympathy is hard. Do you remember the day after Dad's funeral? When I stayed out on my surfboard all day so that no one else could talk to me? I just didn't want to hear one more person tell me that they were sorry, and that it was such a tragedy."

Kara nodded.

Alex continued. "But the problem with big emotions like this, is that the only way out is through. You have to deal with it, you can't run from it. Not even you."

Kara's sobs had slowed down again, and her head was on Maggie's shoulder. "I hate it."

"We all do. That's why we work together. So we don't have to be alone," said Maggie.

"El Mayarah, right?"

Kara nodded again. "I'm just... It's just been... so lonely." And the tears started again, but no sobs this time.

"Oh Kara." Alex wrapped her arms around Kara again, trying to ground her sister in her touch.

"Kara, where are your other people? Who else do you have to talk to?" asked Maggie.

Kara didn't say anything so after a long pause Alex answered for her. "Winn and James are busy being the Guardian, I've been with you, Cat is off on permanent vacation somewhere, and Lucy is somewhere classified."

Kara nodded. "And now Mon-El is gone too," she whispered.

The three women sat watching Ariel sing for a few minutes. The more she thought about how Kara was so attached to Mon-El and how now that he was gone she felt like she had no one left, again, the angrier she got, both at herself and at Kara's other friends. She tried to take a deep breath, but she was an action person. Alex had had enough. Maggie's skills at communication had got them this far, but she knew her sister and she knew herself and they'd been dancing around this for the last year.

"Okay, so things have not been good. And I'm sorry for my part in that Kara, I really am."

Kara started to protest, but Alex cut her off. "Nope, no more apologies or excuses from either of us! Now we are going to make a plan. A better plan. Because you deserve to have people who love you around more than once or twice a year."

"That's a good idea. You two need to get back to basics. You used to have a weekly sister night, right?"

Kara nodded, "Yeah, but it's hard now, because emergencies come up all the time."

"Okay, so maybe this is a case of prioritizing." Kara frowned. "No, hear me out. I know that you want to help as many people as you can, I get it. It's one of the reason I became a cop. But I'm going to tell you something that I learned in the Academy. 'You can't help anyone if you are dead, or quit, or are too tired to do your job properly.' You have to look after yourself too Kara, and not just your physical health, especially because you don't have to take a whole lot of time off for that."

Alex nodded. "Kara you aren't indestructible. And mental health issues are just as important as physical ones. And you aren't used to dealing with either of them."

Kara swallowed, but didn't say anything.

"We're not trying to gang up on you Little Danvers, but think about it okay? Anyway, my point was, that barring the really big emergencies, and those don't come up everyday, then it's okay to hang the suit up for the night. Hell – let one of your problems be a solution. You and James should probably work out a schedule so that you are both getting some time off. If he's going to be out there being an idiot anyway."

Kara cocked her head to the side. "I can do that?" she asked in a very small voice.

Alex brushed her hair back from her face. "Of course you can. Why do you think J'onn sends you home as often as he does. And I know that a lot of the time you enjoy working and helping people. But right now it looks like you need a break. And that's okay too."

"So, sister nights?" Kara asked.

"Yes, Thursday nights are once again sister nights."

"I'll book some time to myself," said Maggie.

Alex rolled her eyes and looked back at Kara. "And Kara, you need to set up something like that with Winn and James for Games night. That was really only monthly anyway wasn't it?"

"But I like it when you come to games night, and Maggie."

"I know, and we'll come when we can. But for small emergencies, I should be at the DEO. After all, we used to handle these things before you. And we love having you. But you need time with your friends. Maybe you could invite Lena?"

Kara gulped at that one. Alex frowned. "What?"

"I think maybe I've not been such a good friend to Lena."

"Why's that?"

"I... haven't really talked to her. Not since..."

Maggie and Alex exchanged a look. "Little Danvers, she knew that Mon-El was your boyfriend. She'll understand..."

"No, that's just it. Of course she'll understand, but she'll blame herself."

"Then you should probably go and talk to her soon?"

There was a pause. Then Kara's tiniest voice. "Do I have to go tonight?"

"No hon," said Alex. "You can stay here with us tonight."

Kara sighed and cuddled back into her sister's side.

_____

Later, when the movie was over and Kara was asleep between them, Maggie took Alex's hand.

"Hey, you can't blame yourself either. This is new for you too."

"I know. And I'm really trying not to. But old habits are hard to break. And she's so..."

"She's fragile. I know."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For understanding that the Girl of Steel can break."

"Anyone can break Danvers, if they're hurt enough."

"But most people don't realize that she is a person, in that way. I think that she's been pushing down a lot of this. And while I know that Mom was rough on me for looking after Kara, and being perfect, I think Kara got a lot of that second hand."

Maggie nodded. "If she wasn't happy all the time..."

"Then I was in trouble. So she practised being happy all the time. And she is a lot of the time, she really is. The problem is that she keeps smiling and pushing through even when she's not."

"So, she's never really dealt with losing Krypton?"

Alex shook her head. "She did and she didn't. I think she had kind of made some peace with it. But since she became Supergirl there's been so much more."

"Oh?"

"You weren't in National City last year. Last year her aunt and uncle the eco terrorists tried to take over the world. And I killed her aunt, who happened to be her mother's identical twin, and she ended up having to kill her uncle before throwing the prison ship they had arrived on back into space on a suicide run."

Maggie blinked and shook her head. "Okay, let's save all the questions about how her aunt and uncle survived and why they were on a prison ship in the first place, but suicide run?"

Alex thrust her jaw out as her eyes welled up. "Fort Rozz. It had to go or it was going to kill everyone on Earth – the day of all the headaches?"

Maggie nodded, not wanting to interrupt.

"So she carried it up into space, knowing that she wouldn't be able to fly back. She didn't tell me she was going to do this until she was on her way, or I would have stopped her." Alex swallowed heavily. Kara's goodbye speech was the stuff of her nightmares.

"Don't keep me in suspense Danvers, what stupidly heroic thing did you do to save her?"

"Hey! How do you know it was stupid?"

"Because I know how much you love your sister," said Maggie quietly.

"I flew her pod, the one she arrived in, up to space to catch her."

Maggie took a deep breath. It is a deeply painful thought to realize how close she had come to never meeting Alex. But at the same time, she is incredibly attracted to her devotion, and always has been. Her love for her sister is a huge part of who Alex is, and Maggie has had to come to terms with that.

They sat in silence for a minute, and Maggie's eyes were just starting to get heavy enough that she was contemplating the pros and cons of just sleeping as-is on the couch, when Alex spoke again.

"You know what though? For all the things that she just said? She didn't really mention Mon-El, other than that he was around, and from a remotely similar culture."

Maggie shut her eyes. "Nope. So add that to the pile of things she's been repressing."

Alex sighed, and Maggie took her hand. And they did fall asleep there on the couch, cuddled up on either side of Supergirl.

\----

At home the next day, Alex was more relaxed since she'd seen Kara. She settled in with one of the big science journals she liked to read while Maggie puttered around doing laundry and cooking some food that could be taken for lunches and frozen to help reduce the take out in Alex's diet.

It was a very pleasant way to spend a day, and Kara called to check in just after lunch.

Maggie tried not to listen, but Alex's apartment (their apartment? They were engaged; they really ought to be living together, and Alex's apartment was way nicer than her own) wasn't that big.

"I'm glad to hear it Kar. No, we didn't mind staying over. Well, yes, but... fine, yes I will sit with the heating pack. Promise."

Maggie laughed, because Alex had a degree that could be boiled down to "I understand Kryptonian bodies" and Kara, who was surrounded by humans, and spent a lot of time pretending to be one, had absolutely no idea how to differentiate the importance of human illness and injury. She tended to get just as upset and overprotective over minor things like muscle aches and pains as she did about more serious injuries, like gunshots. Maggie respected that. She'd met enough aliens who were bitter about the lack of health care options on this planet to understand how a refusal to learn something could help someone retain their own identity.

"Well, you know I'm here if you ever want to talk. No Kara, I'm not going to push you. I promise. I know hon. I love you though, right?"

When Alex hung up several minutes later, she let out a big sigh.

"Problems on the Little Danvers front already? I thought we got those ironed out last night?" Maggie went to sit next to Alex, making sure that her fiancee knew that she was just joking, that it was okay for Kara's problems to be ongoing and that she was here as support.

"Me too, but she's still holding back on the Mon-El front."

"Well, you didn't expect her to give that up in less than 24 hours?"

"No, I'm mostly annoyed I didn't follow up on it in the moment last night."

"Yeah, for someone who is a terrible liar, she can be surprisingly good at redirecting a conversation." Alex snorted. "You don't think so?"

Alex shook her head and laughed a little. "She is, but mostly because I've spent the last 13 years training her to do it."

"This smells like a story," said Maggie, cuddling into Alex, and rubbing the back of her hand.

"It's not really a cohesive one. But basically, one of the reasons that Kara is such a bad liar is that she panics. And she panics because one of the things you need to do to be able to lie well is to know enough about the person that you are lying to that you can come up with a plausible story."

Maggie nodded. "Of course, and when she first arrived..."

"Kara had no idea. So we used to have to rehearse. A lot."

"You are such an awesome nerd of a sister. I bet there were flashcards." Maggie looked up and laughed loudly as Alex blushed. "Of course there were flashcards."

"Yeah, so I used to make her lies up for her, and she would just remember them. She learned English in a day, memorization is easy for her, but things like slang, idioms, and social nuance are a lot harder. And sadly English is one of the worst languages out there for things like irregular verbs and expressions that mean exactly nothing in terms of modern culture."

"I love how you just fire off random facts like that without stopping. She learned English in a day?"

"Her whole brain is designed to learn things better than you and I. Krypton was doing designer babies grown in a pod for a long time before Kara was born. Kal-El was one of the first live births in centuries."

"Sorry, but seriously, a day?"

"Yeah, she speaks something like 27 languages. Though she always has to tack on 'and 9 of them are from Earth!'"

Maggie nearly bent in half laughing at that. Alex joined her, enjoying the warmth of laughing together about Kara's idiosyncrasies; for so long this had been both her burden and her joy alone. Having someone to share it all with was amazing.

"All right, how did you get from teaching Kara what to say with flashcards to her being able to wiggle out of tough conversations?"

Alex sighed. "So the older she got and the better she could speak, the weirder it sounded to have preset answers. And then she'd panic whenever anyone went off script even though in theory she could come up with a decent lie, in the moment she tends to forget that. So we had to work on something else, because when she panics she stutters and rambles..."

"And in general looks like she's lying."

"Oh yeah. Anyway, so I spent a long time teaching her ways to change the subject. We started with things like 'Do you hear that?' and moved to more subtle things. Now she changes the subject when she can. She can't always get away with it, but it helps. And now she's apparently so good at it that she can do it to me."

Maggie just smiled at her for a minute. Alex did too but Maggie just kept looking at her, until she had to ask, "What?"

"How many other little things like that did you come up with for Kara?"

Alex shrugged, uncomfortable. "I don't know. I did what we had to do, so that she could stay hidden."

Maggie kissed her. "You are amazing. If you ever get bored with the DEO you could probably work with Alien refugees who need to learn this stuff. There are social workers and people like that who work with the communities to some degree but not many of them have any experience, and most of them don't last long. You've had actual success."

Alex spluttered for a minute, before frowning. "Not with that poor little Phorian boy."

"You didn't have a whole lot of time with him. You'd have come up with something if he hadn't been latched onto James."

"Maybe. I did try food. That always worked with Kara."

Maggie laughed again, "I bet. Still does most of the time."


	2. Chapter 2

Alex was pleased to see Kara starting to spend more time around the DEO. It was almost surprising how happy it made Alex to walk out of a tactical training session with some recruits and see Kara standing behind Winn's station.

 

"What is that?"

 

"That, is the video game classic _Castle_ _Adventure_. An almost entirely word based adventure," said Winn proudly.

 

Kara watched for a minute with a frown. "This is boring."

 

"It wasn't designed for spectators Kara."

 

"I know. But this is more boring than Mario."

 

Winn gave an overdramatic gasp. "You take that back! Classic Mario is not boring!"

 

Alex bit her bottom lip to keep from smiling. She wasn't sure when she'd gone from tolerating Winn for the sake of his computer skills to appreciating him as a person, but right now she loved him for treating Kara exactly the same as always.

 

"Classic Mario predates me."

 

"Classic Mario predates us all. Well mostly. Not J'onn. Of course, most of National City doesn't predate J'onn, so grain of salt and all that..."

 

J'onn chose that moment to walk in and Winn scrambled back to his station. "Hi there, J'onn, nice to see you. Have I mentioned that you are looking young?"

 

J'onn raised an eyebrow at Winn. "Right, I'm just gonna... go back... yeah." Winn sank back to his chair, focused on the code in front of him.

 

Kara smiled. It was a small smile and it was only really on one side of her face, but Alex felt like it deserved a parade.

 

"Alex!" said Kara, apparently just now noticing her, or using her as an excuse to get away from Winn's continued rambling.

 

"Hey sis, how's it going?"

 

"Boring. Winn is playing some video game that doesn't even have people in it."

 

"Hey!"

 

"That does sound boring. Of course, Agent Schott will have lots of time to play it while he looks for a new job if I don't get that report on the broken satellite soon, so..."

 

"Right," mumbled Winn.

 

"Anyway, I wanted to double check, sister night is tonight. Your place?"

 

Kara looked at Alex. "Are... you sure?"

 

Alex held in a sigh. They'd already talked about this. "Yes, of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

 

"Because... what about Maggie?"

 

"What about her?"

 

"Well, if we do sister night at my place, what's she going to do?"

 

Alex shrugged. "Probably cook something vegan, watch something I don't like and call her Aunt and have an argument. Why"

 

"And she'd be okay... if you came over?"

 

Alex took both of Kara's hands in hers. "Yes Kara, like we talked about, she is okay with it. I am okay with it. I am actually really looking forward to it."

 

It was like watching the sun rise on Kara's face. A smile, a real smile, the bright kind that lit up from the inside, spread across Kara's face in slow motion until she was beaming at her sister.

 

"Okay! I just have to get back to Snapper and finish typing up my article, and then... I'll see you tonight?"

 

"Wouldn't miss it," said Alex, smiling despite the lump in her throat.

 

"Okay!" Kara said again. In a whoosh she was gone.

 

Alex stood there, watching the spot where she'd disappeared through until she was sure that her suddenly wet eyes weren't going to embarrass her at work. Then she walked towards Winn with purpose.

 

His eyes got wide as she got closer. "Hey, I didn't do anything, I'm working on the satellite right now, okay? Just give me 10 more minutes."

 

Alex didn't answer as she bent down and wrapped her arms around him, and kissed his cheek.

 

"... wha?"

 

"Intelligent, Schott," said Alex in her normal voice as she gently swatted the top of his head. "Thank you, for being there for Kara."

 

He shrugged awkwardly. "She's my friend too. You guys are kinda my family, you know? And it's not like I've been doing a great job being her friend lately."

 

Alex sighed, thinking about the other ways that she could help Kara get her support system up and running again.

 

"Hey Winn?" she asked.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Who used to organize game nights?"

 

"I did at first, mostly because I wanted to spend time with Kara, and then she just kind of... took over. You know how she is when she gets into something."

 

"Yeah. Do you think you could do it again?"

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Organize some game nights. Any day of the week except Thursday."

 

"Of course not, Thursday is sister night."

 

Alex bit her bottom lip, but didn't respond.

 

Winn's face fell. "Oh. So we've all kind of sucked at getting together regularly, huh?"

 

"Yeah. We all have."

 

"Okay, yeah, I could do that." Alex had never been so grateful for a subject change in all her life. There was no world ending crisis going on, and therefore there was no excuse for being this close to tears at work. Again.

 

"Thanks Winn. You make a great annoying brother I never asked for."

 

Winn's whole face lit up as Alex spoke. He cleared his throat before saying "Thanks," and turning back to his work with the satellite.

 

"Agent Danvers, a word please." J'onn's voice always echoed in the control room, more so since the Daxamite invasion since they were still repairing so much.

 

Alex followed J'onn to his office. He gestured for her to sit. "Alex, how are you?"

 

"Me?"

 

"Yes, you."

 

"I'm... I've been better?" Alex asked, turning it into a question. "I've been so worried about Kara, and how she was coping since losing Mon-El, and then last week we talked and I realized that the biggest problem was that all of us have let her down this year."

 

J'onn didn't say anything. Alex didn't say anything. Finally J'onn got up and handed Alex ones of his Chocos. They sat in silence for another minute until J'onn asked, "Can I help?"

 

"Maybe. I'll let you know? It'll mostly be to do with scheduling, and Vasquez and Pam mostly handle that anyway."

 

"Okay."

 

Alex had to reflect that having a 'Space Dad', as Winn called him behind his back when he forgot that J'onn was telepathic, wasn't so bad.

 

 

\--

 

The day before Sister night found Kara at L-corp. She knew that she had to visit Lena, but she wasn't sure at all how this was going to go. Lena, she was sure, felt guilty about what had happened. She felt guilty about what had happened AND that she was still lying to Lena by not telling her about Supergirl, AND she wasn't at all sure if she had it in her to deal with someone else's strong emotions and so hadn't been there for her friend who'd been kidnapped and manipulated.

 

So when she got to the elevator bank after clearing security she stood there. She knew that she couldn't go home until she spoke to Lena, not after talking to Alex and realizing that she needed to talk to her. But she wasn't sure how to make herself get on the elevator.

 

In the end, Lena came down to her. The elevator opened and there she was.

 

"You know," she said, in that dry, amused tone that usually made Kara laugh, "when security radios up that my best friend is coming to see me shortly after the world nearly ended, it makes me rather nervous when she doesn't make it up the elevator after 15 minutes."

 

"Oh," Kara said, gulping nervously. "I just... I mean... I..."

 

Lena put a hand on her arm. "Is it the elevator?" she asked in a gentle voice.

 

Kara shook her head, and tried to put together her scrambled thoughts. "No, I just... I..." she trailed off as her breathing sped up.

 

"Is it me?" asked Lena, still in an even, calm tone. Despite the feeling of a panic attack beginning, Lena's voice was full of so much self loathing that it shocked her breathing back to normal.

 

"No! Oh, Lena, no!" Kara covered Lena's hand with her own. "Can we go up together?" she asked plaintively.

 

"Of course Kara," said Lena, her smile slightly more natural now.

 

After settling Kara on the couch in her office, Lena got her a glass of water. Kara hated how strange everything had been feeling, had felt since the moment Rhea's ship had arrived, and especially since she'd sent Mon El away in a pod. _Dissociation_ said the part of her brain that tracked these things.

 

She fought through the fog in her head for Lena. "Lena, it's not you. I'm not angry with you, none of this is your fault..."

 

Lena gave a snort. "Except for the parts where I let myself be led into almost destroying humanity, then had to trust my mother to save us, and Kara, I'm," she took a deep breath. "I'm the reason that your boyfriend had to go away."

 

Kara was always on surer footing when she was defending someone else. "But Lena, you couldn't have possibly know what Rhea's intentions were. And you didn't make the...the... lead device for any reason other than to save the world. Supergirl couldn't have saved the city without you."

 

"She wouldn't have needed the help if not for me either."

 

The two women sat in silence, Kara sipping at the water in her hands for something to do.

 

"Kara, how are you doing?" Once again, Lena took her hand very gently.

 

Kara took a deep breath. "I'm... okay? I mean... it's not been.... well..." She wanted to reassure Lena, she really did. But the words wouldn't come, the same way she hadn't been able to get them to come all month. And while English was the language she spoke most of the time, the fact remained that it would never be her first language, the one she most naturally thought in. It made everything harder.

 

This train of thought, and the rambling that accompanied it were cut off when Lena wrapped her arms around Kara. "I'm so sorry sweetie. You don't have to be fine for me. Just... let's sit for a bit. I'm not really that fine either."

 

Kara nodded, glad that her friend understood. Lena picked up a remote from the table in front of them, and music started to play, classical music, but nothing familiar, nothing with an emotional association. "Is this okay?" she asked. Kara nodded again.

 

When Jess came in 10 minutes later with the potstickers that Lena had asked her to order, the friends were cuddled up on the couch, not talking, just enjoying each others company.

 

 

 

\---

 

Alex knocked on Kara's door, her overnight bag in hand. It was the first sister night in a very long time, and the three of them, Alex, Kara and Maggie, had decided it should be a sleepover. Kara had been very hesitant about it when they'd discussed it on Tuesday.

 

"But... Maggie will miss you."

 

"I'll be fine Little Danvers. I'm going to eat lots of green healthy foods, and take up the whole bed."

 

Kara cocked her head to the side. "Maggie, Alex has a king sized bed and you are tiny."

 

"So?"

 

"I miss you Kara," Alex had cut in, "And this will make it special, okay?" Alex was pretty sure that Kara had been having nightmares and that was the reason she was arguing about it.

 

"Okay..." Kara had said.

 

The door opened and Kara smiled at her. "Hi," she said, still sounding a bit unsure.

 

"Hey sis." Alex walked past her and threw her bag down on Kara's bed. Watching Winn with Kara had helped her to realize that some of this was going to have to be fake-it-til-you-make-it. So she was going to treat Kara as close to normal as she could, and hopefully Kara would respond.

 

This plan wasn't off to a great start however, and Kara was still standing next to the open door. "Kara, shut the door."

 

"Right," said Kara, startling back into motion faster than Alex's eyes could track.

 

"Have you called in the pizza yet?"

 

Kara shook her head.

 

"Okay, that means I will and I can order what I like."

 

That got Kara's attention. Food always did. "No! You can't get gross pineapple on all of it, what will I eat!" she said indignantly.

 

"The other two pizzas?" said Alex sarcastically.

 

Kara made a face, but their usual banter had her smiling as Alex called in their regular order.

 

"So what should we watch tonight?"

 

Kara shrugged, but she kept her eyes on Alex, waiting for a response.

 

"So, I guess this means I can catch up on The Walking Dead?" asked Alex.

 

"Alex!" Kara burst out with. "No zombies at my house! It's too... too.... _zhavoi_ "

 

"Sorry, what was that again?" Alex teased, though her heart wasn't in it. It had been a long time since she'd heard Kara mix Kryptonese with English. She decided that desperate times called for desperate measures.

 

Alex grabbed the remote, and held it out, teasing Kara. Her sister's eyes got big, and then she gave a little smile and they began to gently wrestle for the remote the way they had when they were growing up. Kara was winning of course, until the pizza arrived and she got distracted.

 

It didn't take long to get settled in front of a mindless episode of some new Netflix exclusive. Kara was attacking the pizza with her usual enthusiasm which Alex took as a good sign. A few slices in Kara paused and looked at Alex, who did her best to keep taking bites while looking as nonchalant as possible.

 

"So I went to see Lena today," Kara said finally before taking another huge bite.

 

Alex nodded a bit. "How did that go?"

 

Kara shrugged. "Okay. We... didn't talk much? She got pot stickers though."

 

"That was nice of her. Where from?"

 

"I don't know... the package said Chen's. I wonder if it was that little place on North St?"

 

Alex smiled at her sister's encyclopedic knowledge of restaurants in the city. If she ever decided to write a guide book, it would be a best seller. "Do you feel better? About it?"

 

Kara took a few more bites before she answered. "I don't think I can answer that." She put the pizza down and pulled the fleece blanket up over her legs. Alex took a large bite to keep from jumping in. While it wasn't her nature to dance around issues (outside of work), she'd seen how Maggie's watch and wait approach had helped Kara the other night.

 

It paid off. Kara took off her glasses, gently folded them, and put them on the table. Pulling her legs up, she held her head in her hands. "Alex, nothing feels right. Everything feels far away. Everything is hard. It's so hard."

 

"I know Kara," Alex said, putting down her food to rub Kara's back.

 

"And I can't think about feelings, or how I feel about anything. I just don't feel anything right now. Except when I do and then it's too much."

 

"Kara, it's going to take time, loss isn't easy, and sweetheart you've been through so much," Alex started, but Kara's head snapped up.

 

"NO!"

 

Alex was shocked. "No what?" she asked cautiously.

 

"No, that's not it. _S_ _heah_ _nahn voiehd_ I... I... don't know how to say this." Kara stared at her sister, eyes wide, with absolutely no idea how to get the words out, in English or Kryptonese.

 

Alex didn't say anything for a minute. Then she took Kara by the hand and led her into her bedroom. She pulled back the blankets and gestured for Kara to lay down. Kara did, tears still falling. Alex got in beside her, and lay so that they were face to face. Then she pulled the covers right up over their heads.

 

"There," she said, taking Kara's hand in both of hers. "Now you can talk when you are ready. Just like when we shared a room. Okay?"

 

Kara worked her jaw as she fought to find the words. She knew what Alex was doing and she so appreciated it. Other than the roof, under the blankets in bed was the only other place in the first few years after she'd arrived where she'd felt comfortable sharing how she felt. She'd always enjoyed talking about Krypton and her family when it was safe to talk about them (and sometimes when it really wasn't.)

 

But her feelings of missing them, and how out of place and out of step she felt? That was a lot harder. She didn't want to seem ungrateful to the Danvers, or to make other people feel uncomfortable with the depth of her grief. The challenge of finding places where Kara felt comfortable to talk about her feelings had been a part of how Alex had come around to loving Kara.

 

"Alex?"

 

"Yeah, Kara?"

 

"I'm not okay," she started with, remembering Lena's reaction.

 

"I know hon, you don't have to be."

 

Kara nodded. "Everything feels far away. It's hard to think."

 

Alex waited patiently. It was killing her not to say anything, but every time she tried to reassure her sister, Kara reacted with anger.

 

"And, everyone is being so nice to me."

 

Alex couldn't figure why that was bothering Kara, unless it just reminded her of what she'd lost? Or it was part of why everything felt strange?

 

"I don't deserve it," Kara whispered after a long gap.

 

Alex wanted to jump in, she wanted to tell Kara that she deserved all the love she got and more. That she was loved by so many. But instead she took a deep breath and managed to sound quite calm. "Why not?"

 

Kara's voice was barely audible. "I don't think I loved him enough."

 

Alex was confused. "What do you mean Kara?"

 

Kara was crying again, but quietly. "I just... it was so new. What we had. We had hardly had a chance to properly start something. And then I found out that he was the Prince. And that was horrible."

 

"I remember," murmured Alex.

 

"And I was sure it was over. That we were done. I'd asked him to listen to me so many times, I was so tired..."

 

Kara rolled over on her back and pulled the blankets off her face. Alex did too, but she didn't let go of her sister's hand.

 

"And then he came after me, saved me from the Music Meister. And I thought... that that had to mean something. And you'd told me to give him a chance. So I did, again. And it was good in places. But Alex," Kara rolled on her side to look at Alex, trying to explain.

 

"We didn't have any time. It was so nice to be able to touch him and not have to worry that I would break him. But that's not enough. And he knew things about Krypton, even if they were horrible things. The time we did have was good sometimes. But it was also horrible sometimes. And... we talked about making it better, but we didn't have any time to try it out."

 

Alex nodded.

 

Kara was picking up speed now, as though a cork had been pulled loose. "And now I feel so guilty, because I do miss him and I do love him, but he's gone, and I don't know if I loved him enough? And I don't know how to say goodbye, because all that's really gone is the potential. Because I think things would have been good. I think. But maybe it wouldn't have. I don't know. And I don't know how to think about that. And everyone else feels so horrible about it, and I don't know what to say to them."

 

She let go of Alex and got up, her feelings driving her to movement. "It was just all so fast and so intense, and I got so swept up. And there wasn't anyone else around, and I felt so lonely, and I couldn't tell Lena because she doesn't know that I'm an alien, never mind Supergirl, unless she's figured it out, which is possible because she's very smart."

 

Alex, who had sat up while Kara talked, nodded. She was beginning to see what was going on, and while it made her feel sick that she had tried to push Kara to be with Mon El if she hadn't actually been that interested, she could see how this confusing situation could be torturing Kara.

 

"AND!" Kara continued, "and, I can't figure out if he was worried about me, or just didn't want me to be the one to kill his mother because that's still really weird and I can't even think about it or if he really didn't think I could do it, because he suggested that Kal should go fight Rhea instead of me and that really hurts, and Alex," she wailed. "It's too much!"

 

And that was really the crux of it. Kara's breathing had sped up and she launched into a panic attack. Alex jumped out of bed, and wrapped both arms around her sister. Kara continued to try and suck in air between sobs, choking and wheezing.

 

"Hey hey hey, I got you, I got you," she said. She may feel completely helpless to deal with Kara's emotional pain but this she could deal with, this she knew what to do about. She pulled her sister down until they sat side by side on the edge of the bed, and put Kara's hand over her heart. "Kara, listen to me, let's breath together, okay?"

 

She looked at Kara while counting out breaths, and wondered how someone so sweet could endure so much. She brushed Kara's hair back from her face, remembering what she'd told Maggie. Was this what finally broke Kara? Would this be the thing she couldn't come back from?

 

There weren't any answers though, and so Alex just sat with Kara and let her hold on as hard as she needed to, which was always just a little tighter than was comfortable. They sat in silence for a long time, long enough for Netflix, still playing in the living room, to give up.

 

Kara eventually broke the silence. "Alex," she whispered, "all the destruction in the city is my fault."

 

"Why do you think that, Kar?"

 

"I should have just let him go."

 

Alex took a deep breath. Because to some degree that was true. "Kara, he's an adult. And he could have decided to go with her at any time."

 

"He would have though, he was going to. And I stopped them. I asked him to stay."

 

"Kara, his Father told you that he could go. You had no way of knowing that his Mother would lose it and go on a... murder spree. That's on her, and no one else. You may be Supergirl, but you can't predict the future."

 

Kara sniffed. "I know, it's just, if I had to lose him anyway, then I could have saved National City so much damage. And he would be with his people, and could maybe make a difference and change things."

 

Alex nodded. "I know," she said softly.

 

"And instead," Kara continued with a gulp, "he's in stasis, in space. He could get sucked back into the Phantom Zone."

 

That made sense too. Kara wasn't just missing her boyfriend, and feeling guilty about him having to leave. "Kara, he was caught in the Phantom Zone before. He didn't remember it did he?"

Kara shook her head. Her memories of the Phantom Zone weren't clear since she'd never been conscious for long, but there was no way to describe the skin crawling wrongness of a place where time and space do not exist. "But he might this time. And I did that to him. Me. What kind of person does that to someone that they... love?"

 

"What choice did you have? You could have kept him here to slowly suffocate. You could have locked him in an airtight cell in the DEO, and that's IF we could build one fast enough. Or you could give him a chance, and send him away."

 

Kara sniffed again. "Alex, I gave him my mother's necklace. So that he wouldn't be alone."

 

"Oh Kara."

 

"And I'm a horrible person, because I miss it and I really wish I hadn't."

 

"You aren't horrible Kara. I'm sorry that it's gone."

 

"And I just... I almost feel like I wasted it, because he's going to be trapped in space and it's not doing anyone any good. But I was sending him away and I couldn't let him be alone."

 

"You did it because you are a hopeful person deep down inside Kara."

 

Kara shook her head. "It doesn't feel like it."

 

Alex paused for a second, making sure that what she said came out right. "You don't have to feel hopeful right now okay, because the hope is still inside you. And until you feel it again, let me help you have hope okay? It's going to get better. It's going to be okay. You are going to be okay." Alex squeezed her sister as tightly as she could, knowing how Kara appreciated the pressure.

 

Kara nodded, and managed a weak smile. "Can we sit on the couch and cuddle?" she asked.

 

"Of course we can. But I'm heating up a piece of pizza too."

 

Kara was up and had heat visioned a piece of pizza in a heart beat. "There you go," she said, with something like her usual cheer.

 

Kara fell asleep halfway through the first episode _and no wonder_ thought Alex, _wit_ _h everything._

 

So Alex finished her pizza, texted her fiancé to say goodnight and held her sister. Because for right now there wasn't much that was okay, and there wasn't a whole lot she could do about it.

 

But they'd get there. And she'd told Kara that she'd help her have hope. So that's what she would do. She wasn't about to let her little sister down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, here is my dump of headcanon as it relates to the S2 finale.
> 
> Castle Adventure is actually only a year older than Mario. It came out in 1984. Classic Mario came out in 1985.
> 
> My headcanon says that Winn used game nights to try and get close to Kara when he was still crushing on her.
> 
> I'm still calling it Kryptonese to be consistent with my other stories, though I may go through and change them all at some point. 
> 
> zhavoi - frightening  
> Sheah nahn voiehd - my own grammar, roughly 'this is hard'. Sourced from kryptonian.info
> 
> So yeah, Mon El. Was he a great guy? Not really. Did he treat Kara well? Sometimes, but not consistently. But they really did not have a very long relationship. I was gobsmacked when I realized where the end of season was going. To my mind, it would have read better if the finale had been about Mon El doing something actually heroic, possible after confessing that he was the prince and was then unconscious or something so that Kara had to save him. And then have them be an actually respectful couple next season and have this whole plot be S3 finale. (I literally said "Really?" out loud when his parents turned up.)
> 
> I also agree with the multitudes who commented that it seemed like their relationship was rushed along for the sake of the Flash Musical episode. (Which despite the content is still one of my favourites. What can I say, I like musicals?)
> 
> I also have a head canon that he's only going to be in an episode or two next season and will give the necklace back before returning to the Legion of Superheros in the future. (Please CW don't let me down!)
> 
> I'm not anti-Supercorp by any means, I just don't think that Kara really needs a love interest at all right now. As I mention in pretty much everyone of my stories, she's been through a lot. It's okay if she has a break.
> 
> And I'm not entirely happy with the end, but it felt like that was where to stop. This story is a little too angsty (have a mentioned that broken Kara is my thing? I love her, but for some reason I really prefer my fics to break my favourite characters) to have a truly happy ending. Plus to do it with even a hint of realism would have taken way way too long.
> 
> Anyway, this is unbeta'd and therefore all mistakes are my own.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, this is simply me playing with headcanon. Maggie is probably too perfect to be a real person, but I needed something and she was it.
> 
> The two weeks mourning is from Season one.
> 
> I assume that Daxam also worshipped Rao based on the fact that Mon-El uses the curse at one point.
> 
> A Welfare check is what happens if you call the police because you are worried that someone is at risk of harming themselves or being harmed by someone else.
> 
> I sent Lucy somewhere classified since Canon has not seen fit to let us know where she vanished to.
> 
> I didn't like the Guardian storyline at all and didn't really feel like it made a whole lot of sense except for the fact that if James hadn't been Guardian he wouldn't have really been in the show.
> 
> It's my personal headcanon that some of Kara's happy outward appearance came from the fact that Eliza was holding Alex responsible for Kara's happiness. Whether it's conscious or not ( and I don't think it really is).
> 
> Kara's language count is I think from the Adventures of Supergirl Comics that were released between Seasons 1 and 2, as is the fact that she learned English in a day. (though I can't find the official language count, or the exact quote. I may have taken that from another fic.)
> 
> The bit about Kal-El being the first live birth in centuries is from Man of Steel, but it fit.
> 
> It was a tumblr post that pointed out that Alex's way to bond with the Phorian boy was food. Which was something that would likely have worked with Kara. 
> 
> Part 2 will hopefully be up soon. It's mostly done. I just realized that it was too long to post well all together.


End file.
